Felony

     “If you could have sex with yourself, would you?” A question posed by a friend who has a fondness of in-depth conversations via facebook chat.

     It doesn’t require a lot of thought, “Yeah of course. I’m not my type at all, but I love to flirt, and I love the attention. My own vanity would just eat it up!”

     “Ok then, at what age would the other you be?”

     “Like future me or past me?” I never thought of that, I saw the question as being only pertaining to current me. I didn’t give future me much consideration, instead I thought of at which time I could most use some self love, in the literal sense.

     “Thirteen,” I said without thinking of the paedophilic consequences.

     “Seriously?” He asked, then went on to say how he would fuck his future self and why.

     I feel like I take the perspective of Sappho and Plato with their approaches to sexuality. We all know that teenagers from the very beginning are raging balls of uncontrolled hormones. I know that I was! And this is why I say thirteen. I would have liked someone to show me about my sexuality. It would have been nice to learn about masturbation and safe ways to play. I tried to fuck everything as a horny little kid, and there were a few times where I’m pretty sure I did some damage! That being said, I was too shy to discuss anything pertaining to my sexuality with anyone. I hid my period from my mom for months until I finally ran out of underwear that wasn’t stained. So yes, if I could fuck myself, it would be my thirteen year old self, and it would be theoretical and practical class in sexuality 101.

     The reason why I tell you this is because I have a new regular who has more than his fair share of sexual issues that I’ve been helping him with, and he wants to hire me for his fifteen year old nephew. Judge me if you will, but I see no harm in this. Apparently the kid is super shy and awkward and needs a little help. He sounds a lot like me when I was young. I’m not coming at this from a predatorily perspective. I don’t lust after children. However, sexually speaking, I don’t think fifteen year olds are children. Most of my friends were starting to lose their virginity at that age.

     After briefly mulling it over I agreed to do it, but my regular would have to phone the agency and set it up himself. The nephew couldn’t be involved with that part. I was heading away on a vacation and we would discuss it further when I got back. This gave me time to thing about it from a more practical sense. I go back to my babysitting days. Lesson #1: You cannot trust children. Telling them to keep a secret is the surest way to get them to rat you out! And in this case, the boy is a child and I would be trusting him to not turn around and charge me with child abuse. And the fun part of it is, say I go through with it, he consents, I consent, it’s all well and good, and we have a great time, until a couple years down the line, he decides that that was really fucked up and rats me out. Meanwhile, I’m living my life, going to school, in a relationship, who knows maybe I have kids of my own, then there’s a knock on the door. There’s no statute on that sort of thing.

     So from my perspective, I don’t see anything wrong with it. It would be safe, it would be consensual, and it would be fun. I know a lot of adults who wished they had an uncle that cool. However, it shall not be I who plays that game. No Sir.