Miss Alison

I’m struggling with things right now. I’m just having a day where I miss Alison. It’s been over 3 months, and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t had several of these days, but here I am, now, writing about it.

I’m working two serving jobs. One at a place where no one really cares who you are, so it’s like family, and another at a high end wine bar where I work with all the cool kids. I am not a cool kid. I never have been.

Alison had power Realme doesn’t. Alison would walk into a room with whoever. She didn’t give a shit who this person was because the bottom line was he was paying her to be there. Therefore Alison had the power. Alison had control. It wasn’t about confidence. Confidence wasn’t given the privilege of being a factor. It was all about power. If Alison didn’t have the power or control of this situation it meant that she wasn’t safe. Therefor if she didn’t feel in control, she’d leave. That’s how she maintained control.

I don’t feel that I have any kind of control in my life any more. I work with the cool kids and they make me feel little and stupid. I feel massively insecure and ugly and worthless. I hate it. I miss the power I used to have.

I had a client walk into my restaurant last week. He was a regular. One of my last regulars. Even though I cut almost 10” off my hair, there was no doubt he recognised me. Oh the tables have turned. So badly I wanted to joke with someone about how that beefcake over there used to pay me thousands of dollars for me to beat the shit out of him. Although I find that hilarious, those jokes must be filtered now.

If anyone at either of my new jobs found out, I’d simply walk. It wouldn’t be up for discussion or debate or tolerance or I don’t give a fuck. I’d just walk. That chapter of my life is closed. Closed. Not up for any kind of discussion any more. I don’t want to have the, “Listen, I don’t judge” conversation any more. If that statement were true, it wouldn’t need to be said. My friends say, “Why would people talk? Why do you think people would share that??? It’s none of anyone’s business.”  Yesterday a friend of  a friend of a co-worker I have told me that he got fired from his last job for stealing. “But don’t tell anyone!” Is motive even needed for spreading bullshit gossip?

I just miss Alison. I miss getting dressed up. I miss feeling sexy. I miss being touched. I miss being found attractive. I miss being wanted, if only even for an hour.

I tried to rebound from Joseph last week, (this would be the first time having sex in over three months - the longest dry spell I’ve had in my life) and just I ended up half naked and crying. I even tried to become Alison and just get through it, but I couldn’t make it work. I couldn’t do it. Apparently I have standards now. Fuck. It’s so fucking frustrating. I have standards, but my libido is still the same as ever.