Emotional Garbage

     It seems that I’ve got this new thing. At work when I have my orgasms is when all this emotional garbage wants to come out. All the emotions of heart break for relationships damaged and destroyed over the last month come ramming against the doors of the walls I’ve built around my heart and they want out. When that tsunami of an orgasm hits me the doors bust open, and I do everything I can to close them as quick as possible before I lose control. I don’t think my clients have caught on. I think they think it’s just part of it; that single sob and quiver that escape before I plaster on a sleepy smile.

     And honestly right now, things are ok. I smile a real smile, and my happiness is sincere. Recovery mode is almost complete. However, I still feel the pit in my chest. I’m still carrying that around, and I need to do something about it. I feel like I need to go to a screaming class or something. I need to do something cathartic. Perhaps I should call up my old BDSM friends and have them beat it out of me… mmmm, that’d be nice.

     You see, the thing is, mid April things were perfect. Work was good, school was good, and relationships were amazing. Owen, my fiancé, and I had broken up about a month previous to this, and we were at a stage where things were good. We were fighting less, talking more and walking towards a healthy relationship with each other. I had Logan with his snuggles and touch that felt like he was caressing my soul. And I had Jay who could just fuck the shit out of me. It was amazing. We literally spent days at a time in bed together. I had the intellectual, the emotional and the physical. I had the trifecta of perfection. And I was smart enough to know it. I also knew it was too good last. However, what I did not realise at the time was that it would all come crashing down so completely.

     Jay ended things a little over two weeks ago. He sent me a really nice, cliché ridden text saying something along the lines of him not wanting to share me, but lets just be friends. Hearing that irritated me more than hurt me. He was a key ingredient in this perfection and now he was removing himself? He said that he wanted more, and he knew he would end up getting hurt. Which is fair. I did not want more. I wanted exactly what I had. However he was growing on me. He was hot, and charming and just a general sweet heart, and he made me laugh harder than I can remember laughing in a long time. Given that my relationships with Owen and Logan do not have a romantic future I foolishly texted him offering to give them up in an attempt to see if things between him and I would work. I did not hear back from him. Quelle Surprise!

     So my heart is broken for him, and for the fights with Owen that enflame such an anger of hurt, I don’t think he has any idea, and for being such a fool with him… for him. I wouldn’t do it differently. I just wish it was different. I still love him for who he is, he is just not what I need in a life partner, and that makes it so hard. And my heart breaks for my parents, and the shame they now carry for me. Mom is pretending nothing ever happened and swept it under the rug, and by 'it', I mean the ticking time bomb that this will become. Dad and I are working on resuming a normal conversation. It’s going to take a long time before we return to ‘normal’. And my heart breaks for what happened at customs. I have realised that right now it is not a financial priority to hire a lawyer. I’m worried that this may be something that shouldn’t be put off, but I have tuition, taxes, credit cards and other debts that need to be attended to first.

     So these are all the emotions that come barrelling at me when I cum. It’s hard. I need to find a way to let them out.