I'm Yo-Yoing

     Last night I was in a really good place with everything. I had a conversation with a friend about our spirituality and God. I have been born under a lucky star, and bad things don’t really happen to me. When I want something it always works out, not always the way I want it too, but I recognise my karma. So I was able to be at peace with everything.

 

     It’s a different story when it’s just me and my thoughts in bed. I’ve downloaded this audio book that I used to fall asleep to all the time as a child, and I’ve been playing that through the night. It’s good to have when I wake up because mornings have been no better. I try to listen to that instead of my own thoughts. The feelings of horribleness just washes over me.

      My dad phoned me early this morning. He’s heart broken. He thinks it’s disgusting. He told me he doesn’t understand my sexuality. I laughed and said neither do I. I just know I’ve always been this way.

     “But is it a problem in your life?”

     “No.”

     “So you don’t want to fix this?”

     “Dad, it’s not like I can go away to ‘gay camp’ and be turned straight. This is who I am.”

      “Yeah, I suppose.”

     I wish there was a way I could take the hurt from him.

     “People have all these repressed views on sexuality. There are stigmas and judgments, because that is what we are told. But there is no logic behind so much of it. Think of your beliefs and why you think them. And ask yourself if that is what you believe, or if that is what you’ve been told. There is nothing wrong with sexuality. It is not disgusting. It is natural.”

     He’s worried about my safety too. I wish I could promise him that nothing will ever happen to me. But I also can’t promise him that I won’t get in a car accident either or that anything else will happen to me. I promised him that I have never even been threatened at work.

    

     Telling mom went better than I thought it would. She didn’t yell or cry or be insulting. She just processed it. I think they’re both in shock. I stayed for a couple hours, and we had Kahlua floats. She’s not proud of me. I don’t know, At this point I don’t remember much of it. But we had a really good conversation, and we talked about a lot of the problems that we’ve been having in our relationship. We needed to talk.

     She made arrangements for me to go stay at a friends cabin by the lake for a few days. Let the dust settle. Let them process things, then come back and continue to deal with everything. I don’t know when I’ll get back. The owners arrive on Monday, but that doesn’t mean I’ll have to leave.

     That is it for now. The world has not ended.