It Keeps Getting Worse

     I’ve been going back and forth between being a crying mess to being numb, to being able to make stupid jokes about it. ie, I’ve never been banned from our Gay Bar before. Everyone has been banned at least once, now I’m banned from a whole bloody country. I never do half measures. Last night I asked Joon if she would sleep on the couch. I told her it would be award sharing a room with her while I cried in bed. She agreed.

      The layover was the city that my brother lives in, so he came and had dinner with me. I felt like he had my back. He dropped what he was doing at work and just showed up for me. It was a relief to get out of my head. It was a relief to have the support of my family.

      My mom phoned me to find out what was going on, and I came up with the story that I had borrowed a pair of pants from a Burner friend and the customs dogs found a roach in the pocket. Not enough to hold me, but enough to black list me. She wants to fight it. She wants to pay my legal fees and have it all go away.

     “We can fight this!”

     “Listen Mom, I can’t think about it right now. Can we just talk about that part later?”

      Then I went home and slept in my own bed and cried.

     My phone was going off like crazy this morning, but I just ignored it. There was a brief moment when the consequences of my yesterday hadn’t fully sunk in where I was ok. It was brief though. Then I wished so much for a way to simply get away from myself that wasn’t involving drugs and wasn’t permanent. It didn’t come.

     My brother called me a second time so I answered it. I thought he was just checking up on me, and I appreciated it. That was not the case. Mom had called him. She was angry at him for leaving me at the airport. I had told her that I wanted him to go; that I needed to be alone. I was exhausted. She also told him that she didn’t believe my story. It seems she phones him every time I sneeze to make sure I’m not dying. Cam doesn’t know what to do, but he’s tired of lying for me. He doesn’t support what I do. He said that he was going to call me tomorrow at 4:30, and I’d better answer. I don’t know if that’s a threat, or an ultimatum or what. He said that he is going to do every thing he can to keep mom from finding out, but I’d better tell her, cause he isn’t going to lie for me any more. 

     My mom has a victim mentality. She has been getting better lately, but so often if something negative happens, like I don’t come see her for a while, or we have a conflict, she either takes it personally and gets upset, or feels like she is being attacked. She also struggles with depression. She’s hospitalised twice as a result. Cam was kind enough to point out that this will probably send her back there. I don’t know how much of his shit I should take to just let him vent and process this, and how much I should simply respect myself and my own boundaries. He said that perhaps I should realise that if this something that gets me banned from a country that perhaps I might be doing something wrong. Ten minutes perviously I had just read an article about how a high school student was charge with a felony for a science project that ended up in a small explosion. No one was hurt, no damage was done. Felony. I am not going to take my ethical cues from a country that has imprisoned 10% of it's of it's population. He told me that if I moved out there (One of the most expensive cities to live in within North America) he would be able to get me a job within a week. I suggested that if he had that kind of power, he should get a job for his girlfriend who makes $13K a year. Pretty sure she has a degree. 

    Bottom line is the gig is up.

     I worked up the courage to tell my dad this afternoon. I had to phone him as he lives far away. I thought about making the eight hour drive to tell him in person, but too much shit is going down here that I need to deal with. I think he took it as well as a father could receiving news like that. At first he was just confused about the logistics of the story, it didn’t make sense to him about how it all went down. Then we talked about the lies. That’s the part that I’m sorry about. There was a lot of, “Well what about this? Was this a lie?” The only thing I ever lied about were direct questions about work. It is so important that he know that it was nothing that he did, or didn’t do. It was not a result of sexual assault, or “daddy issues” or anything like that.

     “You’re the best dad in the world,” I told him.

     “I know that,” He said.

     “I’m really glad you know that.” I think he was crying too.

      He didn’t give me a lot of feedback. He didn’t really tell me what he thought or how he was feeling. I think he was in shock. He had to go because he had clients waiting for him. I could hear his phone ringing in the back ground and people talking at him. He said that we would be talking about this a lot more in the future, and that he loves me.

     I’m going to pick my mom up from work in about an hour so I can tell her. I have no idea how it’s going to go. Well that’s not true. I do. I have a very good idea. I just hope to God I’m wrong. I hope I’m surprised. I wish I had some sort of mediator, but if I did, I’m sure she would think they  were an ally and feel even more attacked.

     I don’t know where to go from here… I guess I’ll report back later. Right now, I’m feeling less like my life is circling the drain than I did before I talked to dad. That may change, but I’m trying to keep perspective. I didn’t get arrested. Nobody has died. And through it all, I’m fairly certain that my family will have my back. I hope. I don’t know. 

     I would like to say though, my friends on both sides of the border have got my back. They're spending very little time on, "Oh that sucks" and more on "This sucks, where do we go from here." I'm not ready to think about that. I haven't even looked at the paperwork I was given. But I appreciate it. I am going to allow myself a little time to wallow, but maybe only a day or two. I already have a cover job lined up. I'm told it's pretty much a sure thing, I just need to add a little bullshit to my resume, which a friend is going to help me with. This will not beat me.