I'm Back

So I made it six months. I said that I would never go back. I said that that thing in me that allowed me to do the work that I did, broke, and I just couldn’t do it any more. But… I just stopped by my old agency to pick up the paperwork needed to submit with the city to get my license back.

I really don’t know how I feel about this. I’d almost say I’m struggling, but I’m not struggling. The primary feeling I feel is simply defeat. I said I would never go back. I said it to everyone. I said I can’t do it anymore. I felt like it was starting to effect who I was. It was starting to effect Realme. I was also in a relationship. It was easy to not think about going back. But the relationship ended… a week ago… and reality is setting in on my financial situation.

I lived off my savings while I was taking my first semester at university but I knew I had to buckle down, so I got a job in April and I’ve been working that while going to school. I’m a server at a skeezy neighbourhood pub who works four shifts a week. At this job, I make $700 a month. A month! I use to be able make that in a day. I am not having as hard of time as I thought I would adjusting to the new income, but it is difficult not thinking of it in comparison to how it was before. The original plan was to live 100% off my tips, and the pay cheque would go towards tuition. But that is just not happening. I realise that I would make more in a nicer establishment, but I chose it deliberately as a place to learn how to serve before I apply for a real serving job. It’s just not working though.

I’ve been thinking about thinking about going back to work. Just entertaining the possibility of going back. I would be somewhere, like in a mall and I would pick out any random guy standing near me and think, “Go fuck that guy, go put your mouth around his cock.” My lip would curl up, “No, I don’t want to!” But that’s exactly what my job was.

Since I’ve quit, my perspective on escorting has changed. Some times I view it in the way that other people might view it. Like normal people. I am able to relate to their views that prostitution is disgusting and dirty. I never saw it like that before. I knew that people have those views, but they were so far from my own opinion that I just dismissed them. I don’t know if some of my friends may have thought that and were just polite.

The tipping point was an $800 dentist bill I got yesterday. I haven’t been to the dentist since 2005, and I’m not a big flosser, so I have a few cavities. When I made the appointment they didn’t give me a quote. I thought it would cost me a couple hundred bucks since I have insurance through my school now. Nope. $786. They offered to spread it out over three months, but I can’t even afford that. I just about cried at the counter. They were really wonderful about it though. They told me to go home, just worry about my exam the next day and nothing else. They would talk to management, and see what they could do. In the end, they let me decide the payment plan. I chose six months just because I don’t want to be paying it off for ever. But I’m not sure I can even afford that at my current income. Tipping Point.

I have become the welfare girl amongst my friends now. They don’t seem to mind a whole bunch. Apparently they haven’t forgotten the many bar tabs I covered back in the day (and a trip to Mexico). Still sucks though. I have never been this broke in my life. My friends are supportive, which is great, but they’re not going to pay my rent.

So, as I said, I’ve just picked up the paperwork. Maybe I’m justifying it to myself, but I feel like I should feel worse about it. That’s what I’m struggling with. The thing is I’m just getting the paperwork. My boss was happy to have me back. She’s thrilled that I have new photos. But I don’t have to take a single job if I don’t want to. I’m not committing to anything. I can get my license and decide not to do it. They can put me on the board, and I can not book in. I can take one job (which would pay for the license) and decide that I don’t want to do it after all and not take any more. Or I can do it once, and decided that the six month break was what I needed. I can do it regularly, or just take one job a week. My point is, I’m giving myself options.

I am in control of this situation They are not going to pressure me to work if I don’t want to. Previously, I put a lot of pressure on myself, and I don’t want to do that now. I am going to keep my serving job as a cover. I’m not going to book on when I’m with my friends or family. I’m not going to randomly disappear when I’m out with people. I’m not going to create a need to have this big elaborate second life. I’m student and a server. The End. No more lies.