Fake Lay

     “A what?”

     “A fake lay," The nurse at the STI clinic asked me, "You’ve never heard of one?”
     I was there because, for the first time ever the condom slipped off and I didn’t notice in time. That and I go every three months. Cause anal swabs are fun. Never had one? Imagine sticking a bottle brush up your ass. I swear they’re the same size.

     “No!” I exclaim, “I’ve never heard of a fake lay. People don’t seem to understand that I don’t get a handbook.”

     She chuckled, “Well one of the prostitutes… err, well maybe she was an escort… uh… She was a …”

     “Sex worker?” I say, trying to help her come up with the politically correct way of saying what it is that I do for a living.

     “Yes. That.” It’s not that she was rude or judgmental, she was just awkward. “She told me that as often as she can she will tell the client she’s just holding on to the condom and will actually give them a hand job. The men don’t know the difference!”

     “Ha ha, yeah that’s true. They don’t,”

     I’d tell you how many times men have fucked my labia and didn’t know but you’d probably make a hot dog in the hallway joke, and I’d have to tell you to fuck off.

     “It’s a really good idea to reduce your risks.”

     Is it though. The only way that’s going to work is if you’re lubed up like crazy, ie fluids everywhere. Skin to skin is already happening, and what difference does it make if the latex covered penis is inside of you or not at that point? The jizz stays in the condom. Except for this time. God damn it.

     “So where would one get smaller condoms?”

     With respect to penis sizes, I find there isn’t a ton of variance. 70% of guys are average, 15% are large, 5% are really large, and about 10% are really small. This is hard statistical data. I’ve done my research. And buying small condoms? Good luck. The only brand that I can find that makes them is Lifestyles, and I’ll have to special order them. LAME.